That MOM diaries 1

-Woke up this morning with a head full of ideas but no idea how to implement them.-

I just realized that most of us mothers are ill equip to deal with life. We all went to school, varsity and studied even further. But nothing can prepare you for the big MOTHERHOOD.

This mommy thing is really hard. I’ve never felt more guilt on a daily basis or have been more in need of coffee EVER.  It’s weighty and that’s really the understatement of the century.  It gives me such new perspective in every area of my life. “God help me” seems to be the prayer I utter most days.

Somehow I had the idea motherhood would reveal more grace in me but, instead, it’s revealed judgement and condemnation and a lot of otherwise shameful characteristics. It brought my super well managed anxiety to the front. It brought other personality traits to the front too. You know “the ones”. The ones that we try desperately to hide in the secret recesses of our brains and our hearts but, that our children spotlight when they become mirrors by which we look into our own souls.

I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and it’s all kind of settled and all the things I thought would be, are. You know all those mommy fantasies. The perfect, orderly house, the always clean kids that are well fed with three healthy meals, the laughter, which is the only sound that fills the air all the day long. Not to say we don’t laugh with pure joy or dance in the middle of the afternoon or have a million little miracles of wonder every day. We have that too but, I struggle not to allow the weight of motherhood to overshadow the beauty of the miracles.

I struggle to be okay with motherhood in general. I always feel that I should do better and be better.

I set really high expectations for myself. After all, I am a mom. I’m shaping young minds and hearts and trying to do it all in line with God’s will. And there. You can see it. The guilt in falling short.

But then on mornings like today I wake up and sit with Khloe and have a chat. We eat biscotti and drink coffee. And she tells me that I am the best. And she would not want any other mom. And then it makes me feel so much better, and I realize that I am enough.