When birth does not go as planned

Right from the start I knew I wanted my birth to be as natural as possible. I educated myself. Worked at it. Saw a midwife. Already met up with a doula. I planned to own it. I read numerous articles and books on natural child birth. Did pre-natal Yoga. I promised myself this was going to be different.

But as usual life had other plans.

The news came at 35 weeks that I need to have an emergency c-section. After a week of fetal monitoring, not sleeping and trying to get to 10 kicks a day. I cried. I was scared. This is not how it was suppose to happen. I was angry and unprepared, but I had no choice but to have surgery if I wanted her to live. And that is not a hard choice to make.

She was born screaming. Alive. Teeny tiny preemie baby that did not even fit in newborn Huggies. Fast forward- I recovered quickly after the surgery. I thought I was okay with having a c-section until about six months post partum when I started to feel the emotional strain. My birth felt chaotic, out of control and downright scary. And it was hard to remember the small details of what happened.

I felt like I failed at giving birth because I had a c-section- especially because I wanted to have a VBAC so badly. In a way I think it was for selfish reasons because I wanted a do-over. I wanted to try again. Every time I looked at my scar I would feel upset.I did not want to touch it. I know little Zoe came out of there and I should be thankful, but I was not. I always had this feeling at the pit of my stomach that I had failed.

Have you ever heard of birth trauma? Many people do not know that it exist, but moms can be traumatized by bad birth experiences. And I believe it is important for us moms to open up and talk about this.

I believe that we should be allowed to feel every feeling in the book- from the happy ones to the ones you wish you could forget. Sometimes our bodies don’t always do what we want the to do. Zoe is 2 now and I still think about it sometimes. It is natural to have feelings of sorrow following an emergency c-section. It will get easier, so I am told.

And do not ever compare your birth experience to those of others- comparison is the thief of joy. And sometimes you will struggle to love your body. But then just have a look at the beautiful person you created. And then you can’t help to feel thankful for what is left over from that experience, your c-section scar, your stretch marks and all of that. Your body was the temple that housed a tiny person until it was ready for this world. It held them until you could hold them in your arms.

By doing that you will realize that your scars are a reminder of everything your body has done for your children.

And that makes it all a little bit easier.

Love and Light

xoxo

2 comments

  1. This post is such a God-sent. I’m in my room breast feeding my newborn and ballibg my eyes out and scanning through Facebook to find a distraction from my thoughts and so I found your post. I tried sharing my feelings with my husband but to him the main thing is the kids are alive and healthy and everything else doesn’t matter. But you are it does matter to me coz I’m the one that went through it and continues to… I also wanted a vbac but in my case they didn’t want to do it coz of the high risk and amount of monitoring it would take. Because of schedules I couldn’t look for a midwife instead of my obs. Anyway, you spoke my heart. I wish there were some kind of support group to talk through these feelings. I definitely feel I’m going through this alone. Thank you for sharing your experience…

    1. I am so glad that it meant something to you. I still struggle with these feelings but I promise you that it gets better with time. You did well. It infuriates me when people say that you should be happy- the baby is healthy- as they disregard your feelings. But we are strong, and the rawness of the emotions later becomes a memory. All of the best mommy. And if you feel like you need to chat, just drop me a mail. heleen@thatmama.blog.
      Love and light.
      H

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