Ghost Writer: Confessions and connections. Connections, acquaintances and the people in the elevator…
June 12, 2017
The one thing that I have learned in therapy is that sometimes its ok to actually go against the grain and go with your gut. I have recently exited a relationship for the fact that I was required to cut off connections and then simply continue my life without them. That said, I stayed for another week and deleted the initial list of people. It was basically sitting and as he called it “cleaning out” my contact list. At that moment it seemed like the right thing to do. I made a decision to maintain a relationship and to comply with the requirements set.
At first it was ok. Then a weekend apart and we fought, again. With the fight escalating rapidly it ended in me deleting Instagram, one of my favorite hobbies, and Facebook, something I use to keep in touch with people from school. Was that enough? Nope, it was not. After the weekend apart we made up, the tremendously emotional welcome back annoyed me. And the fucking stuffed dog I got with it too.
One week later I was back on Facebook, with no announcement. It ended in a fight in the middle of the night. About me hiding things and how dishonest I am. Things got physical and for the first time of my adult dating life I was actually afraid. Ive been through the normal crazies who break your stuff. Throw away your things, the crying and the blaming, but this was anger, like built up anger. Was a first for me.
I like to think of myself being fairly good. As a firm believer in Karma its important to balance things out and to not do crazy shit to others as it has a habit of biting you in the ass when you least expect it. With a body count under 20, In my world Its considered as prude. After the initial coming out phase there was some experimentation as one can expect, but nothing like my sweet boys. He came across as being all christian and good but below it all what is hidden? It initially bugged me that I was always the one hiding things, well not hiding as much as just not informing. But when I started poking I found out how big a hypocrite he really was.
My words in the bathroom that night was “its not about who it is, its about isolating myself” which is true. If you are isolated and have contact with a handful of people, wouldn’t you hold on to it? The one was the Roman. A man I met once but spoke to daily. Like it is someone who listens and there is no direct link or consequence to any discussion. It is totally controlled.
The other was my friend and my ex. Fun combo. Looking back to it I almost understand it. To some extent. But not with the anger I have experienced. Our relationship is out of the ordinary. It is unspoken, we exist and feed off each others energy and share most things in our lives. I think he wanted to be that person, but he was not.
My trip to Cape Town remains a mystery. But in fact it was one night of clubbing, climbing up the mountain and spending time on the beach. Yes I have shared a room with my friend, yeah the one he hates, but it was a relaxing evening away from everything. No one expected anything from me. You could just exist.
I guess after that Spencer and I would never have worked out. Its these foggy moments in my history that drives him insane. There are many of those and he became too invasive trying to find out what really happened. I don’t like to revisit moments of abuse and abandonment in school, they will always remain dark memories that i don’t want to recall. Telling people about it opens me up for judgement, and they can totally turn it against me.
The interesting part of our relationship was that he was always there. I never felt alone because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I never had to worry about him leaving me. At least that was one part. I was attracted to his power. He seemed like a powerful man. He was masculine. Physically larger than I am. But that was it. It just got too much.
The boy before him was the opposite. He was there but made me feel like I wasn’t. Like I am invisible and that I am nothing. That was also to a point that I wanted to leave. Then
bang one night we had the best sex, everything seemed perfect and I was “friend zoned” aka dumped the next week. Still that conversation wasn’t real to me. Like I remember sitting on the couch and saying I agree we are better friends etc, but I did not accept it until much later.
So now I have no special person, I still sometimes feel alone, but its something that passes. I came to realize that finding the one is much harder work than anticipated. My twin found hers at work. I just hope to find mine. Sooner rather than later.
The thing with finding the one is you should be open to it. If you are not ready to receive you cant get it. Its basic but how do you stay open?
Opening up has always been an issue for me. We talked a lot about it the last couple of weeks. Like in my experience people use things that .i have told them in privacy against me. Its something my dad warned me about all my life. People are bastards.
If something like that is in your most basic wiring, how do you get around it? How do you know its there but you ignore it? For me its like the Golfs oil light. It came on one day, it bugged me so I opened the bonnet and closed it. That took care of the light but not the problem. Days later I was in a hurry to get to work, late and having a difficult start, there the light came on again. This time it said NOW. Which translated by the Braamfontein VW people, take care of it or I will break down.
So do I ignore these and continue in a relationship, or do I hear the voice of discontent and be cautious. Being cautious in itself has its own issues. Like how cautious am I? Is it a stay away, poke it and see, have some fun or go for it situation. I can hear my therapist sigh. Deric, labels, again.
For someone who likes labelling things I have a lot of things in limbo. It makes me feel alive, the conflict and feeling that I am busy with something. But that said, It also stresses me out and adds to my occasional depression. I like the feeling that comes with sorting out shit. Like its some achievement, thats probably why everything in my life has been a work in progress.
So now we are changing it. Adapting dads doen dit nou, doen dit dadelik approach, well with a twist. My sister and I have started with to do lists for our lives, again I did not stick to it completely. But I have stopped drinking, taking drugs and I am now eating relatively healthy and working out more than I used to. I cant explain it, but I feel better when I achieve my personal VA active rewards goal. Getting a free fucking smoothie once a week is my current motivation. That and paying for the apple watch.
So I have a game plan, I know how to get there. Now its just about getting this shit done. No delegation or blaming I have to fucking do this.
Im keepimg my Imstagram account with my favorite pornstar, the custest little dog and probably half of the gay spanish boys on IG. Its an escape, its not real but it adds to my entertainment when im bored. Facebook will be kept for friends and family. Showcasing the fake life we want people to see, the marvel of luxury snd sophistication, while we eat scrambled eggs and baked beans from a tin for dinner. Twitter for the professionals, the young minds who believe that its fun being me. Snapchat for the fun of mockery and Whatsapp for people who cant afford iPhones.
Thats basically it. My iPhone connects me, it makes me feel connected. The nurse greeting me and showing me pics of her children in the elevator makes me feel surrounded. The Intensivist calling for advice on difficult patients makes me feel needed, and the regular invite to the pediatricians secret breakfast club makes me feel wanted. I am surrounded by people all the time. I am not alone.
Saying its not real doesn’t change anything for me, its real to me. They are my people, they accept me for who I am. I know it doesn’t replace real love, but I could not substitute it for a life of convenience. I will find it one day, we can only wait. Wait and stare at the orange warning light. Ignoring it or not. Thats the next question to answer.