July 24, 2017
Looking for it, still missing.
Everyone has that one thing that makes them different. Better. It gives you presence,
it defines you in a weird way, it makes you, you.
My mojo seems to be missing, I’m in a phase where I don’t feel extraordinary
anymore, I feel like the rest of them, dressed in blue scrubs, doing the same things and
following the crowd. Its mind numbingly painful to live like this, to feel you have lost that
which made you special.
Maybe its just worse today. But there is nothing worse for me than to imagine myself
as ordinary. Benchmarked. Replaceable. It scares me that I can notice the decline in
function. And that irritates me even more. Its like you know what you are capable of, you
have done it before, but you just cant reach it. I know how to get there,but i am horrified to
Ive described this feeling once before as standing on the edge of a bungie bridge. It’s
terrifying, but after you leaped out into the unknown it was a magical experience. So often
I feel that I get stuck, like today, but what have I done to get out? Honestly took some
Ativan and had a coffee, so basically nothing.
My mojo is something powerful that drives me. Its pushes me tomdo new things and
it makes me inquisitive to discover new things. Slowly over the last couple of months I feel
that I have lost it somehow. I urgently need it back, Im disturbed without it.
I had it for a moment a couple of weeks ago, ive completer projects and planned new
ones, but weeks later they all stand there in park. Ok, my gran has passed which has
slowed things down, but it shouldn’t come to a grinding halt. There must be progress. Even
if it feels like a glacial pace, it needs to be in motion.
The only thing in my mind right now are the words, stay hungry, stay foolish. I have
lost that completely and I’m working towards getting it back again. I need it desperately,
but not quite sure how to get it back just yet.