I have evaluated myself and how I spend my time. I often find myself in a state of inaction and looking back to times where I seemed to “have it all.” I did my yoga, I studied hard and got good grades, and I just worked hard in general. At everything I did I strived to be the best version of myself. I had standards. I had goals. I knew who I was and didn’t accept anything less for myself.
I feel the past two years I have lost myself, my worth, and my ethic. I have withered to this being who exists to exist. I have all these aspirations and no drive. I’ve had bouts of this before but in that time I inundated myself in my work. Now I’m battling my underlying anxiety which has fueled my sense of perfection. I’m anxious for the future, not knowing where I will go or what I will do or what I will be. The “be” part is what plagues my quiet mind. I find myself lost in thought throughout my days and have cast off all responsibility. After continuously pushing things off, my procrastination has become a habit and I let my standards fall to a level I did not know was possible. I sometimes feel as though I am living in a continual summer vacation.
WAKE THE FUCK UP!
I wait every morning for myself to be fully engaged in my work again. I feel with each passing day I slip further and further from my old self. My old self was extremely productive and extremely proud of her work. Now I could not seem to care less. I think, “if only I had a passion to work at, it’s the lack of passion for my job that I have to fix.” But no…it is not the lack of passion for my job(s). That’s not the problem, because in the past I did work I really really did not want to do but compelled to do it, and give it my all, because of those standards and goals. The problem is not in the lack of passion for my job(s), but the lack of passion for life itself. My problem is my mindset. My problem is that I have given up. My problem is that I lost the love I had. Life is in the journey, after all. At a ripe young age of almost 32, I have already had my fair share of the infamous “quarter-life crisis.” I think if I could only figure out what I am passionate about and then pursue that career, then I will get back my spunk and get rid of this funk! But no, what needs to happen first is inside of me. A fundamental change has occurred and my lazy days have become a habitual norm. My mind is trapped on a tropical island on vacation without the good sentiments, warm air, shading palm tree, and pina colada. Perhaps I lost it long ago in my quest to be the best. But I pushed that mind aside because it aided me none.
I feel lost and do nothing to better my situation, then I beat myself up and tell myself to stop being so damn full of crap. I don’t know what I really want to do, all I know is I don’t like the things I am currently doing. I am extremely indecisive which probably stems from my fear of making the wrong choices for my life.
But I need to remind myself that what we regret most is in the “not doing.” So it doesn’t matter much what I do, as long as I do something.
I won’t look back at the past, for I cannot change it. I can only change my story going forward.