#LettersToKhloe Dear Kiki

Oh, my dear Kiki, if only I knew the things that I know now. You were my first child, and to be perfectly honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had to learn it all with you. After all, you are the reason I became a mother. And for that I am so grateful.

You were such an easy baby, yet you taught me so much about being a mom. I’m sorry that you were at the center of all of my trials and errors. Sorry for bathing you in Johnsons (you had eczema) and sorry for dressing you like an Inuit baby in summer.

I wanted so badly to get things right. I think my expectations of you when you were that small were unrealistic. I spent so much time worrying that you weren’t getting enough sleep and that maybe you weren’t developing properly because of something I was doing wrong that, often, I didn’t allow myself to just enjoy the simplicity of you as a baby. You were my first. Never again will I get the chance to do that over.

I wish I had spent less time focusing on the things you weren’t doing (like crawling under the obstacles I built) and more time on what you were doing. You grew so fast. One minute I was rocking you to sleep in my arms, and then I blinked, and you were off to kindy class. Where did the time go?

I think what I’m sad for, most of all, is that you weren’t able to understand. The road was paved with good intentions. My head and my heart were always in the right place. I only wanted the best for you and still do. I probably hovered a bit too much and pored over the smallest fall or scrape. But I wanted to keep you healthy and safe, so you could grow up to be healthy and strong.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back and do it all again. I want to go back and cherish those moments. The moments I lost, stressing and worrying. The moments I spent crying because you wouldn’t sleep. The moments I felt like I was failing because I was so unsure of the future. What I know now is, all of that time I spent worrying, stressing and crying was in vain.

Despite myself, you turned out to be an amazing child, more than I could have ever imagined. You are literally the light in my life.

And as I sit here and hold you, I squeeze you just a little bit tighter and close my eyes as if I’m trying to mentally capture this moment forever.

Just know that I love you so, so much. That will never change. You will always be my first child, my first little love, and nothing will take that away. I am so proud of the boy you are and can’t wait to see the man you become. You are amazing with Z and I am SO PROUD!

The truth is, my angel, you will always be my first child. You will always be the one who teaches me how to be the best mom that I can be. You will always be my first baby—always. That will never change. You will pave the road for your younger sibling. That is a big job, I know. But we still have so many firsts ahead of us now. And no matter how many times I feel like I’m failing, I am able to just look at you and know that somehow, some way, I must be doing something right.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” (Robert Munsch)




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